When despair hits

I noticed a change in myself. I am emotionally stronger now, which is a great achievement. I would say the last seven years haven't been easy. 2017 was when I had my first panic attack, which ended up turning into burnout. And at the end of 2022, I had another severe crisis that triggered a deep depression.

I've wanted to write about this for a while, but the subject is so complex and delicate that I give up. However, this time, I won't run away. And I hope my brief account helps you understand your situation or someone else's situation. What I write here isn't based on medical and scientific studies, but on my experience and presents my opinion on topics that you have every right to agree or disagree with. Still, you don't have the right to devalue or diminish it. Well, here we go...

Do you know the difference between cause and effect? The cause is what gives rise to something and the effect is the repercussion of something. For anxiety, we have cause and effect, which I like to call motive and situation. The motive would be the root of the problem, something internal that is within our power to change. The situation is what generates anxiety, something external and beyond our control, therefore we cannot change it.

Talking about anxiety is already common, but I've noticed that we're going in circles, talking about the situation, and focusing on external factors instead of focusing on internal factors that lead to change. I speak in plural because it's something we do as a society, after all, talking about internal issues is much more difficult. Why? Because it's unique, there's no quick formula to improve, it requires time and self-analysis, good therapy, and dedication to your overall health.

As a writer, I like to observe society's behavior, I like to analyze our habits and behaviors and how they affect us. One habit that I've seen growing a lot, especially with the advancement of social media, is "victimhood." Victimhood is a syndrome where the person always sees themselves as a victim, nothing that happens is their choice, and everything is caused by external factors imposed on their life. I call it a syndrome because it's something that exceeds reality and ends up generating harmful behavior for the person's mental health.

Yes, there are countless situations that we don't have control over and where we are victims of what was imposed at different scales. From the family, we were born into, which isn't our choice, to accidents or actions of other people. You might be wondering how victimhood is related to anxiety. It's simple, a victim of anxiety is someone who never analyzes the reason for anxiety but is always alert and attentive to situations that cause anxiety. They're usually those people who always say "I can't work with customer service because it triggers my anxiety" or "I don't like leaving the house because I always end up having an anxiety attack." Countless situations can cause anxiety, and countless reasons to be a victim of it.

The victim, by spending all their energy and focus on external factors, ends up neglecting the treatment of the cause and the pursuit of change. It's very common for a well-informed victim to be able to perfectly explain the root of all their problems because they've already done deep self-analysis, they've tried therapy, but they never stopped being a victim because they didn't move towards change.

In 2017, when I had my first major panic attack, I tried therapy for a while and as soon as I started feeling better, I stopped. I didn't formally put myself in the victim category because I wanted to change, but because I still didn't have the ability to change, I was a victim. In other words, anxiety had control over me. I was unable to do something I wanted or liked because anxiety prevented me. In some situations, I even knew the reason, and the root of the problem, but I didn't know how to generate change and therefore remained in the victim state. It was only in 2022 when I hit rock bottom and returned to therapy, that I slowly began to generate change.

I had achievements that might seem small to others, but at the time and considering the state I was in, they were enormous achievements, such as being able to leave the house alone and after some time being able to take the bus alone. My anxiety was so bad that these simple and routine things were extremely difficult to do, and I didn't even consider that in 2024 I would be capable of going to another country alone. It was almost 2 years of struggle because I needed to learn to defend myself emotionally and mentally to stop being a victim of anxiety. The first step to stop being a victim is to act, the second step is to keep acting, the third step is to keep acting, and the fourth step, guess what? That's right, keep acting.

Getting out of the inertia of victimhood and starting to move towards improvement and change is the hardest part, then you just need to keep doing what's working and challenge yourself to improve a little bit at a time, and before you know it, you're no longer a victim of anxiety, now you can work with the public because what made you feel anxious has been treated.

And the million-dollar question: how to treat the root of anxiety? I recommend two things that helped me a lot! First, therapy, but good therapy, it has to be the kind that makes you cry and poke at wounds, it can't be a therapist who coddles you, you're not paying to have a friend, you're paying to treat the root of your emotional problems that often originate in your childhood, so do therapy properly. Second, faith, and connecting with God were what made me able to change so quickly.

I've been a Christian since I was 12, so having faith was already part of me even when I was unwell. It wasn't the absence of faith that made me have anxiety, because in my case it was always there. I always knew that God loves me, that He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for my sins that on the third day he rose and conquered death, and that because of Jesus' blood shed on the cross, I was justified and therefore have salvation. I always had this certainty, but there was something I wasn't sure about yet, despite thinking I was: my identity in Christ.

I thought I knew I was loved by God, but in practice, I wasn't living that truth. I wasn't living as someone who knows that the creator of the universe chose to love me, regardless of what I've done in life, and that His love is unconditional. It's worth mentioning here that I came to understand this in therapy when I understood the distorted view of fatherly love I had due to things that happened when I was just a vulnerable child, and because of this distorted understanding, I couldn't fully understand God's love, especially understanding the figure of God the Father.

But as soon as I left the hospital and returned home, I decided I would seek God, I had one of those "near-death" experiences that people report and this made me understand my smallness and my fragility, and that's why I wanted to seek in God a refuge, a safe shelter. And that's exactly what I found and much more. Every time I opened my Bible to read, God spoke to me so clearly that I had never experienced before. Every time I had a difficulty and cried asking God for help, I felt an inexplicable peace. These experiences continue to this day. I continue having difficult moments, but since March 2024, I no longer feel like a victim of anxiety, I feel I have control over my feelings, I can defend myself when something affects me directly, and every day in good or bad moments I seek God.

In this whole story, of all the people in my life and all the situations I've lived through, God was the only one who didn't change. He continued being loving and kind. Even in the most difficult moments when analyzing the situation with the help of therapy, I could see there the goodness, mercy, and care of God. Having faith in God doesn't prevent me from having bad moments, but it prevents me from becoming desperate amid the storm. Because He never changes, because His love is unconditional, I know I can make Him the source of my joy and my strength. Because if it depends on me, joy and strength will always fluctuate. And because He loves me, I love Him and decide to live each day for Him, live each day to glorify Him. I don't do God's will to receive blessing but the opposite, I do God's will because of His blessings.

It was when I changed this understanding in my faith that things started to become lighter and change. God stopped being a Father who demanded correct behavior from me to be accepted and became a Father who, despite my bad behavior, continues to love me, and because of this, I seek to change my behavior, because I know He wants my joy and my good for eternal life. I know that what He desires for me is much greater and better than what I feel or desire, and that's why I stop being a victim of my feelings.

It's a long story and I wanted to give as many relevant details as possible because I know living in victimhood isn't healthy, I know what it's like to feel terrified when despair hits. But I also know what it's like to no longer live in that state and have peace, and that's why I need to share with you in detail how I found my peace, and how I managed to enter a state of change. I hope you find it too! Until next time.